Thursday, July 24, 2008

THE JOKE OF THE DAY THURSDAY JULY 24, 2008

Santa got a job at airport as a ground engineer. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots and the solution recorded by Santa after one month.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Santa: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Santa: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Santa: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Santa: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Santa: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Santa: Evidence removed.
Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Santa: DME volume set to more believable level.
Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Santa: That's what they're there for.
Pilot: IFF inoperative.
Santa: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Santa: Suspect you're right.
Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Santa: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Santa: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Pilot: Target radar hums.
Santa: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Santa: Cat installed.
Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Santa: Took hammer away from midget.
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Wednesday, July 23, 2008

THE JOKE OF THE DAY WEDNESDAY JULY 23, 2008

Banta decided to be a pilot signs up at a small airport and was told they only equipment available is a helicopter.
Banta thinks for a moment and says, "That’s fine, I'll just learn how to pilot a helicopter."
After some ground instructions the day of the solo comes and Banta is at the commands of the helicopter. He goes up 1000 feet with no problem, climbs to 2000 and the instructor asks “ Is everything o.k.”
Banta responds; “yes everything is going well.”
The instructor is very happy to have such a great student and decides to give him the last test, so he orders Banta to climb to 3500 feet, make a turn and land. The instructor goes out to see the landing when suddenly he sees the helicopter falling down.
Luckily after all that the Banta was alive, and the instructor asked him, “what happened when everything was going so well?"
Banta replied: "It was getting cold so I turned the outside fan off."
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QUOTE OF THE DAY

OSHO IN ONE OF HIS DISCOURSE:

Beloved marter, I feel shocked when you used the word fuck what to do?
Sargamo, it is one of the most beautiful words. The English language should be proud of it. I don't think any other language has such a beautiful word. One Tom from California has done some great research on it. I think he must be the famous Tom of Tom, Dick and Harry fame. He says: One of the most interesting words in the English language today is the word 'fuck'. It is one magical word: just by its sound it can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love. In language it falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John), and as a noun (Mary is a fine fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you can see there are not many words with the versatility of 'fuck'. Besides the sexual meaning, there are also the following uses: Fraud: I got fucked at the used car lot. Ignorance: Fucked if I know.Trouble: I guess I am fucked now! Aggression: Fuck you! Displeasure: What the fuck is going on here? Difficulty: I can't understand this fucking job. Incompetence: He is a fuck-off. Suspicion: What the fuck are you doing? Enjoyment: I had a fucking good time.Request: Get the fuck out of here!Hostility: I am going to knock your fucking head off!Greeting: How the fuck are you? Apathy: Who gives a fuck? Innovation: Get a bigger fucking hammer. Surprise: Fuck! You scared the shit out of me! Anxiety: Today is really fucked. And it is very healthy too. If every morning you do it as a Transcendental Meditation -- just when you get up, the first thing, repeat the mantra "Fuck you!" five times -- it clears the throat. That's how I keep my throat clear!Enough for today.

FUNNY DEFINATIONS OF THE DAY

School: A place where Father pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

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