The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 17, 2009

Santa and Banta were fighting after exam.

Teacher: Why are you fighting?

Santa: This fool left the answer sheet blank...

Teacher: So what?

Santa: Even I did the same thing, now examiner will think that we both copied.

The Joke of the Day, Friday, August 14, 2009

After playing 18 holes of golf, a few golfers were sitting around the clubhouse settling their bets when another golfer Santa Singh stormed in.

Fuming after a lousy round, Santa slammed down his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn't married, I'd give this stupid game up!"

The Joke of the Day, Thursday, August 6, 2009

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

The Joke of the Day, Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Santa Singh was filling out a job application at our place, for a job on the shipping dock. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question was: "Why?"

Santa Singh, apparently not paying attention, answering it anyway wrote in, "Never got caught."

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....

It reads:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTIONNEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me."He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:GO IN PEACE.YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

A man’s house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her outside. Then his wife. Then the dog. Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody.

So a fireman asks him, “Why are you going back in there?”

The man replies, “I’m turning over my mother in law.”

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

Santa Singh was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ”It could have been worse.”

His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Santa could come up with a bright side.So the next day, one of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Santa asked, ”Where’s Banta Singh?”

And one of his friends said, ”Didn’t you hear? Yesterday, Banta found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.”

Santa says,”Well it could have been worse.”

His friends said, ”How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!”

Santa says, ”If it had happened two days ago, I’d be dead now!”

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

1. It’s an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communication.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job,you don’t care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they’ve had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor’s closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor’s, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asks, “Where are you going?”He replies, “To the kitchen.”

She asks, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

He replies, “Sure.”

She then asks him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”

He says, “No, I can remember that.”

She then says, “Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you’ll forget that.”

He says, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

She replies, “Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”

With irritation in his voice, he says, “I don’t need to write that down! I can remember that.” He then fumes into the kitchen.After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: “I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!”

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

Five surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
The first surgeon says: 'I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds: 'Yeah, but I like electricians! Everything inside them is color coded..'
The third surgeon says: 'No, I really think librarians are thebest; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: 'You'reall wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brain and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking...'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?
'The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

The Jokes of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper, so the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in Deep shit."

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, ‘Hey old man, have you ever danced?’

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, ‘No, I never did dance, — and just never wanted to.’

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, ‘Well, you old fool, you’re gonna’ dance now,’ and started shooting at the old man’s feet. The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow...

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands.The old man said, ‘Son, did you ever kiss a mule’s ass?’

The boy bully swallowed hard and said, ‘No. But I’ve always wanted to.’

There are two lessons for us all here: 1. Don’t waste ammunition. 2. Don’t mess with old people

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 30, 2008

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he would like a bottle of Christian Dior for his wife’s birthday.
“A little surprise eh?” said the clerk.
“You bet,” replied the man. “She is expecting a cruise.”

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 30, 2008

A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit. After the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, "Hello dear, this is meeee..."

She answered. "I just have to know if you're happy there in the after life. What's it like there?"

"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," husband answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."

"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.

"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm back as a buffalo."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 30, 2001

Santa and Banta have just started their job installing telegraph poles. At the end of the first week they both go to collect their wages and the boss tells Santa that he is dismissed.
"Why?" asks Santa.
"Well," said the boss "Banta has put in 50 poles this week and you have only done 5."
Santa looks rather perplex, and says, “but I have been planting them deeper than Banta.”

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 30, 2008

The patients in a Mental Health Facility were misbehaving so the man in charged said: “If you behave yourselves, I promise that I will build a swimming pool for you." The man saw that they were not misbehaving anymore so he builds the pool. When the patients saw that the pool was built, they were very happy-- doing all kinds of stunts in the pool, then the man said: If you behave yourselves, I will put water in the pool!"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

A completely drunk Banta was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Banta asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the officer. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, Banta said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

Three contractors are bidding for a government tender. First one says. "Well, I figure the job will run about 900,000: 400,000 for materials, 400,000 for my crew and 100,000 profit for me."

The second contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says I can do this job for 700,000: 300,000 for materials, 300,000 for my crew and 100,000 profit for me."

The third contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the State House official and whispers, "2,700,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The third contractor whispers back, "1,000,000 for me, 1,000,000 for you, and we hire the first guy to do the job".

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and said, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."