THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 30, 2008

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he would like a bottle of Christian Dior for his wife’s birthday.
“A little surprise eh?” said the clerk.
“You bet,” replied the man. “She is expecting a cruise.”

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 30, 2008

A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit. After the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, "Hello dear, this is meeee..."

She answered. "I just have to know if you're happy there in the after life. What's it like there?"

"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," husband answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."

"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.

"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm back as a buffalo."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 30, 2001

Santa and Banta have just started their job installing telegraph poles. At the end of the first week they both go to collect their wages and the boss tells Santa that he is dismissed.
"Why?" asks Santa.
"Well," said the boss "Banta has put in 50 poles this week and you have only done 5."
Santa looks rather perplex, and says, “but I have been planting them deeper than Banta.”

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 30, 2008

The patients in a Mental Health Facility were misbehaving so the man in charged said: “If you behave yourselves, I promise that I will build a swimming pool for you." The man saw that they were not misbehaving anymore so he builds the pool. When the patients saw that the pool was built, they were very happy-- doing all kinds of stunts in the pool, then the man said: If you behave yourselves, I will put water in the pool!"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

A completely drunk Banta was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Banta asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the officer. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, Banta said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

Three contractors are bidding for a government tender. First one says. "Well, I figure the job will run about 900,000: 400,000 for materials, 400,000 for my crew and 100,000 profit for me."

The second contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says I can do this job for 700,000: 300,000 for materials, 300,000 for my crew and 100,000 profit for me."

The third contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the State House official and whispers, "2,700,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The third contractor whispers back, "1,000,000 for me, 1,000,000 for you, and we hire the first guy to do the job".

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and said, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."