Showing posts with label Friday Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friday Jokes. Show all posts

Friday, August 14, 2009

The Joke of the Day, Friday, August 14, 2009

After playing 18 holes of golf, a few golfers were sitting around the clubhouse settling their bets when another golfer Santa Singh stormed in.

Fuming after a lousy round, Santa slammed down his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn't married, I'd give this stupid game up!"

Friday, July 17, 2009

The Joke of the Day

Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was Santa, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.
When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?"
The Jewish man answered without hesitation. "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left.
When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the Same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.
Finally Santa arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying,"Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said,"OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When Santa arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview ?".
Santa replied, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.

The Joke of the Day

Santa died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate god tells him that new rules here in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

Santa thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year. God said, "OK, Ill buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though its not the answer I expected.But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"

Santa replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..." God opens the gate without another word.

The Joke of the Day

Santa and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New Delhi. The American asks if he would like to play a fun game. Santa, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.
The American, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5,and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."This catches Santa's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The American asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Santa doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet,pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the American."Okay," says the American, "your turn".
Santa asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The American, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer & searches all his preferences........no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes up Santa and hands him $500. Santa thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep. The American, who is more than a little miffed, stirs Santa and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, Santa reaches into his purse, hands the american $5, and goes back to sleep.

The Joke Of the Day

After making a trip of South India , Santa Singh ,his wife and his son were returning to punjab in Tamilnadu Express. Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train.
When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed.
When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand hindi had occupied his son's birth . Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English.
Santa Singh explained , " That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."

The Joke of the Day

Santa was booked into an Air India flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an aeroplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place.When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, Santa declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don`t charge me for food and drinks!"So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal.
Santa began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher and was curious about the food."Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked.Santa picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!"
Then Santa took out several pieces of chappatis and started feasting."And what is that dish?" asked the curious American."Wheat of India!" replied Santa proudly.
Finally, Santa took out some desserts. He offered some to the American."What is it?" asked the American."Sweets of India!" replied Santa.
After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud fart from Santa."What was that?" asked the American, holding his nose in disgust.Santa replied coolly, "That`s Air India."

The Joke of the Day


Santa was riding his bike one day when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the lord said, :because you have been faithful to me in all ways I will grant you one wish."
Santa thinks for some time and then says Lord make a bridge from Amritsar to London so that I can ride my bike to london whenever I wish to.
The god said just think of cement, steel it will take to build that kind of bridge and moreover it will be too long a streatch for you to ride why dont you ask me something else
Santa thinks about it and then says Lord I wish that I could understand my wife, what makes her happy, what makes her sad, what makes her scream. I want to know all that so that I can help her in her moodswings
The god thinks for a moment and says, "tell me how many lanes do you want in that bridge Mr Santa. I will make that bridge."

The Joke Of the Day

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Love Funny Mails? Join our Group Sweet Jokes!
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

OSHO IN ONE OF HIS DISCOURSE:

Beloved marter, I feel shocked when you used the word fuck what to do?
Sargamo, it is one of the most beautiful words. The English language should be proud of it. I don't think any other language has such a beautiful word. One Tom from California has done some great research on it. I think he must be the famous Tom of Tom, Dick and Harry fame. He says: One of the most interesting words in the English language today is the word 'fuck'. It is one magical word: just by its sound it can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love. In language it falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John), and as a noun (Mary is a fine fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you can see there are not many words with the versatility of 'fuck'. Besides the sexual meaning, there are also the following uses: Fraud: I got fucked at the used car lot. Ignorance: Fucked if I know.Trouble: I guess I am fucked now! Aggression: Fuck you! Displeasure: What the fuck is going on here? Difficulty: I can't understand this fucking job. Incompetence: He is a fuck-off. Suspicion: What the fuck are you doing? Enjoyment: I had a fucking good time.Request: Get the fuck out of here!Hostility: I am going to knock your fucking head off!Greeting: How the fuck are you? Apathy: Who gives a fuck? Innovation: Get a bigger fucking hammer. Surprise: Fuck! You scared the shit out of me! Anxiety: Today is really fucked. And it is very healthy too. If every morning you do it as a Transcendental Meditation -- just when you get up, the first thing, repeat the mantra "Fuck you!" five times -- it clears the throat. That's how I keep my throat clear!Enough for today.

FUNNY DEFINATIONS OF THE DAY

School: A place where Father pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

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