THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

A completely drunk Banta was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Banta asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the officer. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, Banta said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

Three contractors are bidding for a government tender. First one says. "Well, I figure the job will run about 900,000: 400,000 for materials, 400,000 for my crew and 100,000 profit for me."

The second contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says I can do this job for 700,000: 300,000 for materials, 300,000 for my crew and 100,000 profit for me."

The third contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the State House official and whispers, "2,700,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The third contractor whispers back, "1,000,000 for me, 1,000,000 for you, and we hire the first guy to do the job".

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and said, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer..
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

Banta was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife wasreally pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife wokeup, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a boxgift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new weighing machine.