The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 17, 2009

Santa and Banta were fighting after exam.

Teacher: Why are you fighting?

Santa: This fool left the answer sheet blank...

Teacher: So what?

Santa: Even I did the same thing, now examiner will think that we both copied.

The Joke of the Day, Friday, August 14, 2009

After playing 18 holes of golf, a few golfers were sitting around the clubhouse settling their bets when another golfer Santa Singh stormed in.

Fuming after a lousy round, Santa slammed down his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn't married, I'd give this stupid game up!"

The Joke of the Day, Thursday, August 6, 2009

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

The Joke of the Day, Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Santa Singh was filling out a job application at our place, for a job on the shipping dock. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question was: "Why?"

Santa Singh, apparently not paying attention, answering it anyway wrote in, "Never got caught."

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....

It reads:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTIONNEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me."He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:GO IN PEACE.YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

A man’s house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her outside. Then his wife. Then the dog. Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody.

So a fireman asks him, “Why are you going back in there?”

The man replies, “I’m turning over my mother in law.”

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

Santa Singh was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ”It could have been worse.”

His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Santa could come up with a bright side.So the next day, one of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Santa asked, ”Where’s Banta Singh?”

And one of his friends said, ”Didn’t you hear? Yesterday, Banta found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.”

Santa says,”Well it could have been worse.”

His friends said, ”How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!”

Santa says, ”If it had happened two days ago, I’d be dead now!”

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

1. It’s an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communication.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job,you don’t care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they’ve had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor’s closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor’s, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asks, “Where are you going?”He replies, “To the kitchen.”

She asks, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

He replies, “Sure.”

She then asks him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”

He says, “No, I can remember that.”

She then says, “Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you’ll forget that.”

He says, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

She replies, “Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”

With irritation in his voice, he says, “I don’t need to write that down! I can remember that.” He then fumes into the kitchen.After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: “I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!”

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

Five surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
The first surgeon says: 'I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds: 'Yeah, but I like electricians! Everything inside them is color coded..'
The third surgeon says: 'No, I really think librarians are thebest; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: 'You'reall wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brain and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking...'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?
'The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

The Jokes of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper, so the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in Deep shit."

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, ‘Hey old man, have you ever danced?’

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, ‘No, I never did dance, — and just never wanted to.’

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, ‘Well, you old fool, you’re gonna’ dance now,’ and started shooting at the old man’s feet. The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow...

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands.The old man said, ‘Son, did you ever kiss a mule’s ass?’

The boy bully swallowed hard and said, ‘No. But I’ve always wanted to.’

There are two lessons for us all here: 1. Don’t waste ammunition. 2. Don’t mess with old people

The Joke of the Day, Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Santa Singh buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.

Santa says, "I want my 20 lakhs.

The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you one lakh today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 weeks."

Santa Singh said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest during the next 19 weeks.

Santa Singh, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want all my money now! If you're not going to give me my 20 lakhs right now, then I want my 10 rupees back!"

The Joke of the Day, Tuesday, July 28, 2009

One day Santa was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor building when a man came running in to his office and shouted "Banta Singh your daughter Preeto just died in an accident" Santa was in panic. Not knowing what to do he jumped from his office window.

While coming down when he was near the tenth floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named Preeto.

When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.

When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Banta Singh.

The Joke of the Day, Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Santa was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he the column SEX. He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote THRICE A WEEK.

On seeing this in his appln. form, he was told that it was wrong and what they wanted it to be filled was either MALE or FEMALE.

Again Santa thought for a long time before coming up with the answer PREFERABLY FEMALES.

The Joke of the Day, Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.

A month later he was back at the dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. 'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'

The Joke of the Day, Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Santa bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend.

He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening.

But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " What Happened, My Son?"

Santa got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "These car people are crazy! They have five gears for going forward, but only one for coming back!"

The Joke of the Day, Monday. July27, 2009

Santa Singh was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper. Well, his wife was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about food right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

Santa went back in the house and fixed himself a big meal and tall glass of Lassi.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

The Joke of the Day, Monday, July 27, 2009

One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him "OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,That's how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.... .?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"

The Joke of the Day, Monday, July 27, 2009

Santa's first Love letter

Dearest Billo,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 20th of June 2009.
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 20th of June 2009 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Thanking you in anticipation.Yours sincerely
Santa Singh

And promptly came the reply

Dear Santa Singh,

Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance.However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous.I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards.
Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP'. I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a Jaguar is in order.
Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest.
Please also note that my sister is happily employed.

Yours perhaps,

Billo

The Joke of the Day, Monday, July 27, 2009

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.
Wife - would you like to have some snacks?Husband - hard disk full.
Wife - have you brought the saree.Husband - Bad command or file name.
Wife - but I told you about it in morningHusband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife - oh god! forget it where's your salary.Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife - at least give me your credit card, i can do some shopping.Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.Husband - data type mismatch.
Wife - you are useless.Husband - by default.
Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?Husband - the only user with write permission.
Wife - what is my value in your life?Husband - unknown virus detected.
Wife - do you love me or your computer?Husband - Too many parameters.
Wife - i will go to my dad's house.Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife - I will leave you forever.Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife - it is worthless talking to you.Husband - shut down the computer.
Wife - I am goingHusband - Its now safe to turn off your computer

The Joke Of The Day

Santa's wife asked him to dry the dishes

and now she is mad at him

Someone please tell him what wrong did he do

The Jokes Of India

Driving Styles...
One hand on steering wheel,
one hand out of window. - Sydney

*******

One hand on steering wheel,
one hand on horn - Japan

*******

One hand on steering wheel,
one hand on newspaper,
foot solidly on Accelerator... - Boston

*******

Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut,
both feet on brake, quivering in terror - New York

*******

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator,
head turned to talk to someone in back seat - Italy

*******

One hand on horn,One hand on holding gear,
One ear listening to loud music,One ear on cell phone,
One foot on accelerator,One foot on clutch,
Nothing on break,
Eyes on females in next car,"THIS IS INDIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AA"

The Joke Of The Day

It takes 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that we use to write one exam.

Join us in promoting the noble cause of saving trees.

SAY NO TO EXAMS

The Joke Of The Day

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

The Joke Of The Day

Santa finds himself in dire circumstances. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotory."

Lotory night comes and somebody else wins it.

Santa again prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Santa still has no luck.

Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Santa is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Mr Santa, WILL YOU PLEASE BUY A TICKET FIRST!!!"

The Joke of the Day

Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was Santa, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.

When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?"

The Jewish man answered without hesitation. "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left.

When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the Same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.

Finally Santa arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying,"Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said,"OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When Santa arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview ?".

Santa replied, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.

The Joke of the Day

Santa died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate god tells him that new rules here in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

Santa thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year. God said, "OK, Ill buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though its not the answer I expected.But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"

Santa replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..." God opens the gate without another word.

The Joke of the Day

Santa and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New Delhi. The American asks if he would like to play a fun game. Santa, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5,and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."This catches Santa's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Santa doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet,pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the American."Okay," says the American, "your turn".

Santa asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The American, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer & searches all his preferences........no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes up Santa and hands him $500. Santa thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep. The American, who is more than a little miffed, stirs Santa and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, Santa reaches into his purse, hands the american $5, and goes back to sleep.

The Joke Of the Day

After making a trip of South India , Santa Singh ,his wife and his son were returning to punjab in Tamilnadu Express. Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train.

When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed.

When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand hindi had occupied his son's birth . Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English.

Santa Singh explained , " That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."

The Joke of the Day

Santa was booked into an Air India flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an aeroplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place.When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, Santa declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don`t charge me for food and drinks!"So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal.

Santa began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher and was curious about the food."Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked.Santa picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!"

Then Santa took out several pieces of chappatis and started feasting."And what is that dish?" asked the curious American."Wheat of India!" replied Santa proudly.

Finally, Santa took out some desserts. He offered some to the American."What is it?" asked the American."Sweets of India!" replied Santa.

After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud fart from Santa."What was that?" asked the American, holding his nose in disgust.Santa replied coolly, "That`s Air India."

The Joke of the Day

Santa was riding his bike one day when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the lord said, :because you have been faithful to me in all ways I will grant you one wish."

Santa thinks for some time and then says Lord make a bridge from Amritsar to London so that I can ride my bike to london whenever I wish to.

The god said just think of cement, steel it will take to build that kind of bridge and moreover it will be too long a streatch for you to ride why dont you ask me something else

Santa thinks about it and then says Lord I wish that I could understand my wife, what makes her happy, what makes her sad, what makes her scream. I want to know all that so that I can help her in her moodswings

The god thinks for a moment and says, "tell me how many lanes do you want in that bridge Mr Santa. I will make that bridge."

The Joke Of the Day

Great Cost Cutting Measures for Office
EFFECTIVE JANUARY 1, 2009
NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Love Funny Mails? Join our Group Sweet Jokes!
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

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Funny Picture Of The Day

What if things don't go down easily

The Jokes Of The Day

When the light changed, a man stepped off the curb and started to cross the street. He had to jump backward when an SUV almost hit him.

The woman inside calmed the nine kids she was transporting from the soccer match, then she asked the man if he was okay.

"Lady!" he yelled. "Don't you know when to stop?"

She yelled back, "Hey! They're not ALL mine!"

The Joke Of The Day

Teacher to a third grade student: "Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?"

Billy: "It depends."

Teacher: "It depends on what?"

Billy: "It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."

The Joke Of The Day

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.

As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"

The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

The Joke Of The Day

Santa phoned his wife: I am not coming home.

The steering, dash board,

gears of car have been stolen.

After sometime he calls again: I am coming,

earlier I sat on the back seat.

The Joke Of The Day

Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatos 5 days ago,

he hasn't came back yet!

Santa: Why don't u cook something else? .

The Joke Of The Day

Santa: I have swallowed a Key.

Doctor: When? Santa: 3 months back!

Doctor: What were you doing till now?

Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.

The Joke Of The Day

How did Santa tried to kill a bird??

He took it to the top of a building and dropped it from there to die.

The Joke Of The Day

Two days of powercut in Delhi had made life miserable.

Worst affected was Delhi Metro station where families of Santa & Banta were struck for 48 hrs on escalators.

The Joke Of The Day

Titanic was sinking.

An Englishman asked Santa, "How far is land"?

Santa: 2 KMs.

Englishman jumped into sea.

Englishman: Now, which direction?

Santa: Downwards !

The Joke Of The Day

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.
They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, 'How was thetrip?'
'It was great, Dad.'
'Did you see how poor people live?' the father asked.
'Oh yeah,' said the son.'So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?' asked the father

The son answered:'I saw that we have one dog and they had four.We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.We buy our food, but they grow theirs.We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.'

The boy's father was speechless.

Then his son added, 'Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are.'

The Joke Of The Day

Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says, 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.'

His second friend says, 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.'

Santa says, 'I think my wife is also having an affair with a horse.' Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.'

The Joke Of The Day

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

"Do you realize what time it is?" she asked.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house."

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, Dear?"

He answered, "A round of drinks."

The Joke Of The Day

Mom's Letter on bathroom door:

Dear Kids,

Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply taking a bath. It will take about thirty minutes and will involve soap and water. Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn't, forcing myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I've got energy for.

(Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects, but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)

Don't panic if I'm not out right on time. I've heard that people don't dissolve in water and I'd like to test the theory. While I'm in the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things. The large slab of wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my voice. I promise that even though you can't see me, I am on the other side. I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border, no matter what I said a while ago. I didn't mean it. Honest. There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your day.

"Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have important things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.

Believe it or not, shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom door will not make the phone stop ringing. The answering machine will take the message. If you feel you need to answer it, take a message. Since Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'll need to write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your brother and the laundry marker. We can't send him to school with telephone number tattoos.

Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between the sound of "nothing" and the sound of a child playing the piano with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your lungs. I'm choosing NOT to answer you.

Don't call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the bathroom. He didn't appreciate it last time. He won't appreciate it more this time. Trust me. No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful. I remember who you are and why you are grounded.

No, you can't go to Shelby 's house to play. No, you can't go to Jayden's house to use the bathroom. If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and a tail, do not think of going outside to "water" the lawn. I know the dog does it. The neighbors don't feel the need to call me when the dog does it.

Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my attention. I know it works in the movies. This is reality, the place where people don't like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken glass rain in on them. Do not set the house on fire.

Call me if there is an emergency. Emergencies ARE:

Dad has fallen off the roof.
Your brother and/or sister is bleeding.
There's a red fire truck in front of our house.

Emergencies ARE NOT:

Dad has fallen asleep.
Someone on TV is bleeding.
There's a red pickup truck in front of our house.

One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper for a towel does not make me happy. It makes me sticky with little white polka dots. In the future, when the tub overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in the house. For my sanity's sake, let's pretend it was the tub, Okay? No, I don't want to hear the real story. Ever. Especially not while I'm standing in the pool of water you missed.

By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled.

Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time. Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table. I'll be out soon.

Maybe.

Love,
Your Mom

The Joke of the Day

Why the students fail??? It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year ONLY
Has 365' days.

Typical academic year for a student:
1. Sundays-52, Sundays in a year, you know Sundays are for rest. Days left 313.
2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study. Days left 263.
3. 8 hours daily sleep- 130 days GONE. Days left 141.
4. 1 hour for daily playing- (good for health) means 15 days. Days left 126.
5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies (chewing Properly & swallowing)-means 30days. Days left 96.
6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)-means 15 days. Days left 81.
7. Exam days- per year at least 35 days. Days left 46.
8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival (holidays)-40 days.Balance 6 days.
9. For sickness- at least 3 days. Remaining days=3.
10. Movies and functions - at least 2 days. 1 day left.
11. That 1 day is your birthday.
How can you study on that day??????!!!!!!!!!! Balance = 0
"How can a student pass ??"

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The Joke of The Day

The Joke of the Day Probably not The Joke of India maybe.

A few questions to ponder upon

Air India and Indian(Indian Airlines) merger; what was the rationale...

Synergy of 2 units merge into one...

Have a bigger fleet...

Have a bigger and unified employee strength...

Now what happened...

Jeddah for example:

Extremely lucrative sector. Any carrier flies into Jeddah fills dirt cheap fuel upto the brim for its onward, return journey.

Jeddah allows only 2 airlines per country. Previously it was Indian Airlines and Air India and now both of them are one. So Jet Airways walks into this sector. Surprising Jet flies with packed house whereas Air India has not been able to declare this sector as lucrative as it could have been. There has been cases in past when people could not manage tickets with the national carrier and still it was not flying 100%

Now who laughs at the joke at whose cost???

Singapore a strange coincidence:

Air India jet is grounded for technical nag. An engineer is flown especially into Singapore and he declares the aircraft unfit for flight. On the other hand Jet flies out of Singapore with full house and Mr Naresh Goyal personally welcomes all the guests when they land in India. Well it could be a coincidence but a little strange.

Who laughs at the joke at whose cost???

London another example:

Air India gets 12 landing slots in London for all its operations. A decent figure by any means that too in London. Air India over last 4 years slowly shifts its European base from London to Frankfurt??? Shifting base from London to Frankfurt!!! a business decesion probably has some economic reason... but leaving London market to private carriers for their operations... sounds fishy.

Strangely now Air India operates 2 flights from and through London and rest has gone to private airlinrs operating out of India.

What a Joke!!!

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