THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 30, 2008

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he would like a bottle of Christian Dior for his wife’s birthday.
“A little surprise eh?” said the clerk.
“You bet,” replied the man. “She is expecting a cruise.”

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 30, 2008

A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit. After the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, "Hello dear, this is meeee..."

She answered. "I just have to know if you're happy there in the after life. What's it like there?"

"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," husband answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."

"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.

"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm back as a buffalo."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 30, 2001

Santa and Banta have just started their job installing telegraph poles. At the end of the first week they both go to collect their wages and the boss tells Santa that he is dismissed.
"Why?" asks Santa.
"Well," said the boss "Banta has put in 50 poles this week and you have only done 5."
Santa looks rather perplex, and says, “but I have been planting them deeper than Banta.”

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 30, 2008

The patients in a Mental Health Facility were misbehaving so the man in charged said: “If you behave yourselves, I promise that I will build a swimming pool for you." The man saw that they were not misbehaving anymore so he builds the pool. When the patients saw that the pool was built, they were very happy-- doing all kinds of stunts in the pool, then the man said: If you behave yourselves, I will put water in the pool!"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

A completely drunk Banta was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Banta asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the officer. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, Banta said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

Three contractors are bidding for a government tender. First one says. "Well, I figure the job will run about 900,000: 400,000 for materials, 400,000 for my crew and 100,000 profit for me."

The second contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says I can do this job for 700,000: 300,000 for materials, 300,000 for my crew and 100,000 profit for me."

The third contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the State House official and whispers, "2,700,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The third contractor whispers back, "1,000,000 for me, 1,000,000 for you, and we hire the first guy to do the job".

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and said, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer..
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

Banta was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife wasreally pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife wokeup, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a boxgift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new weighing machine.

THE JOKE OF THE DAY MONDAY AUGUST 11, 2008

One day in New York City, a banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets. He parked it and opened the door to get out. Suddenly a taxi went by and ripped the door off. The driver reported this to a nearby police officer. The officer saw the whole thing and said "You bankers are so involved in your possessions. You didn't even notice that your arm was ripped off as well" The banker stared at where his arm used to be and said "OH NO! My new Rolex is gone too!"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY MONDAY AUGUST 11, 2008

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says, "He's very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pourher a drink. You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich."

That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's Customer Feedback!!!!

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 11, 2008

Santa and Banta are sitting and drinking beer when out of the blue Santa says, “I think I’m gonn a divorce my wife… she ain’t spoke to me in over a month.”

Banta sips his beer and says, “Better think over, women like that are hard to find.”

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 9, 2008

There was a rich man who was approached by a poor beggar asking for food.The rich man asked, "Do you smoke? I could give you some cigarettes."The beggar responded, "No, I don't. I am just hungry and want food."Then the rich man asked, "Do you drink? I have a bottle of good whiskey I could give you."The beggar replied, "No, I don't drink. I am just hungry and need food."Finally the rich man asked, "Do you gamble? I could give you some good tips on the races this weekend."The beggar again replied, "No. I am just hungry and want some food."Finally the rich man said, "Well, in that case, I had better take you to my home."He invited the beggar into his car and drove him to his very substantial home. There, he introduced the beggar to his wife, who asked, "What are you going to do with this man? Are you going to invite him to live with us, eat our food, and wear our clothes?"The man replied, "No, of course not. I just wanted to show you what happens to a man who doesn't smoke, drink or gamble."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY, AUGUST 9, 2008

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 9, 2008

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"
The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 9, 2008

Banta had a bit of a drinking problem. Every day, he would spend the entire evening at a local bar and arrived home, drunk, around midnight. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his drunken state. But Banta continued his routine. One day, the wife, distraught by it all, spoke to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of screaming and shouting at him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."
The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, amidnight, when Banta arrived home in his usual condition. This time, instead of shouting her lungs out as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"
At that, Banta replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 9, 2008

Banta was reading newspaper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Basanti' written on it."
He says, "honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Basanti was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."
She shrugs and walks away. Three days later again when Banta is reading paper when his walks up and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 9, 2008

Banta man went out for a winter vacation to Mumbai. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, screamed and fell to the floor

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 8, 2008

A preacher was standing at the pulpit giving his Sunday sermon when a note was passed to him. The only word written on the sheet was IDIOT. Looking up at the congregation, the preacher smiled and said: "I have heard of men who write letters and forget to sign their names but this is the first time I will see a man sign his name and forget to write the letters."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 8, 2008

Santa and Banta went out for fishing and caught the biggest fish they have ever seen. Banta tells Santa to mark the spot, “We need to remember this spot so we can come back here again.”
Santa pulls a pen out of his pocket and makes a big ‘X’ on the bottom of his boat.
Banta looks at Santa, shaking his head in disgust. “You idiot - what if we bring another boat next time?”

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 8, 2008

Santa and Banta went out fishing, but they could not manage to catch even a single fish all day. Then, another fisherman passes by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies,” If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, Banta tells Santa "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
Santa dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. salty."
30 minutes later, Banta asks him to check again. "Nope, still salty."
One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," Banta finally says. "We have been rowing for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know," says Santa. "And the bucket is almost empty!"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 8, 2008

One day Santa came in to work with both of his ears bandaged. When his boss asked him what happened, he explained: "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rangand I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but whatabout the other?"

Santa said, "They called back!"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 8, 2008

Santa and Banta were studing geology. They went on a field trip studying rock formations in Russia. They arranged for a pilot to fly them into a remote area, to collect some specimens. While they're there, they collect six large rock specimens to take back to the lab, for further analysis.
The pilot returns to pick them up and they start loading everything into the plane. When the pilot sees the rocks, he objects strenuously.
"Those rocks are too heavy," says the pilot, "the plane can only take four, so you have to leave two behind."
Both argue with the pilot, telling him that the year before, they had collected six similarly heavy rocks and the pilot had allowed them to put all of them aboard. This plane is the exact same model and capacity.
Reluctantly, the pilot permits them to put the whole lot onboard. But when they attempt to take off and leave the valley, the little plane can't carry the load. They have to make an emergency landing in the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, Banta asks Santa, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yeah, I think so," replies Santa. "Must be about the same place where we had to make the emergency landing last year!"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 8, 2008

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are taking a trip across a desert by hot-air balloon. There are not many landmarks; so eventually, they become lost. Luckily, while flying quite low, they see a man.
Holmes shouts, "Sir, could you please tell me where we are?"
The man looks up, ponders for a moment, and then answers, "Gentlemen, you are in a hot-air balloon!"
At this moment, a burst of wind picks up the balloon and carries it away.
Holmes turns to Watson and asks: "My friend, do you know who that man is?"
"No, Holmes, of course not!"
"He's a mathematician!"
"Holmes, that's incredible! But *how* do you know?"
"It's very simple, Watson. First of all, the man thought before giving us an answer. Secondly, his answer was absolutely correct. And thirdly, the answer he gave us was of no practical use, whatsoever!"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 8, 2008

Santa and Banta, were sitting outside a clinic. Santa happened to be crying very loudly.
"Why are you crying?" Banta asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Santa.
"So? Are you afraid?" said Banta
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."
As Banta heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Santa stopped his tears and asked Banta, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Banta replied, "I came for a urine test!"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY MONDAY AUGUST 4, 2008

Three couples went to a restaurant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table.
"Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal.
"Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second.
"Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.

THE JOKE OF THE DAY MONDAY AUGUST 4, 2008

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love" came the voice.

The old man replied, "I thought so... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window... they're choking my ducks!"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY MONDAY AUGUST 4, 2008

Banta decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys hundred chicken to get up and running. A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died. Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens,

"I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer, "I think I'm planting them too deep."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY MONDAY AUGUST 4, 2008

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see?"
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars"
"What does that tell you?" enquired Holmes.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful clear day tomorrow. What does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, some one has stolen our tent"

THE CARTOON OF THE DAY MONDAY AUGUST 4, 2008

Trying a meditation class to meet chicks

This cartoon is published with permission of Ben Hoffman. You can view his full collection at http://benhoffman.wordpress.com/

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 1, 2008

Banta is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.
The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
Banta says, "I am only following the instructions Answer in brief'".

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 1, 2008

Banta out on morning walk suddenly stops and starts staring at a banana peel which was resting on the pavement. Santa was passing by and he also stopped and asked Banta what is it.
Sad looking Banta looks up and says, "I will have to slip once again, someone has been careless with banana peel once again."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 1, 2008

Banta finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask god for help. "Oh god, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Banta again goes back to the god, "oh lord, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Banta still has no luck!!
Back to the god, "my lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light and Banta is confronted by the voice of the lord: "BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST."

THE CARTOON OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 1, 2008

This cartoon is published with permission of Ben Hoffman. You can view his full collection at http://benhoffman.wordpress.com/