THE JOKES OF INDIA

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 17, 2009

2009-08-17T08:46:00.004+05:30

Santa and Banta were fighting after exam.

Teacher: Why are you fighting?

Santa: This fool left the answer sheet blank...

Teacher: So what?

Santa: Even I did the same thing, now examiner will think that we both copied.

The Joke of the Day, Friday, August 14, 2009

2009-08-14T08:47:00.002+05:30

After playing 18 holes of golf, a few golfers were sitting around the clubhouse settling their bets when another golfer Santa Singh stormed in.

Fuming after a lousy round, Santa slammed down his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn't married, I'd give this stupid game up!"

The Joke of the Day, Thursday, August 6, 2009

2009-08-06T08:21:00.001+05:30

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

The Joke of the Day, Wednesday, August 5, 2009

2009-08-05T12:10:00.002+05:30

Santa Singh was filling out a job application at our place, for a job on the shipping dock. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question was: "Why?"

Santa Singh, apparently not paying attention, answering it anyway wrote in, "Never got caught."

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

2009-08-03T09:53:00.001+05:30

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....

It reads:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTIONNEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me."He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:GO IN PEACE.YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

2009-08-03T09:46:00.000+05:30

A man’s house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her outside. Then his wife. Then the dog. Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody.

So a fireman asks him, “Why are you going back in there?”

The man replies, “I’m turning over my mother in law.”

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

2009-08-03T09:26:00.005+05:30

Santa Singh was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ”It could have been worse.”

His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Santa could come up with a bright side.So the next day, one of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Santa asked, ”Where’s Banta Singh?”

And one of his friends said, ”Didn’t you hear? Yesterday, Banta found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.”

Santa says,”Well it could have been worse.”

His friends said, ”How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!”

Santa says, ”If it had happened two days ago, I’d be dead now!”

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

2009-08-03T09:08:00.002+05:30

25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

It’s an incentive to show up.
It reduces stress.
It leads to more honest communication.
It reduces complaints about low pay.
It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
It encourages carpooling.
Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job,you don’t care.
It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
It makes fellow employees look better.
It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar.
It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
Everyone agrees they work better after they’ve had a couple of drinks.
Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
The janitor’s closet will finally have a use.
Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.
Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

2009-08-03T09:03:00.003+05:30

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor’s, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asks, “Where are you going?”He replies, “To the kitchen.”

She asks, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

He replies, “Sure.”

She then asks him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”

He says, “No, I can remember that.”

She then says, “Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you’ll forget that.”

He says, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

She replies, “Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”

With irritation in his voice, he says, “I don’t need to write that down! I can remember that.” He then fumes into the kitchen.After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: “I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!”

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

2009-08-03T07:48:00.001+05:30

Five surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
The first surgeon says: 'I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds: 'Yeah, but I like electricians! Everything inside them is color coded..'
The third surgeon says: 'No, I really think librarians are thebest; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: 'You'reall wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brain and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

2009-08-03T07:39:00.003+05:30

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking...'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?
'The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

The Jokes of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

2009-08-03T07:32:00.001+05:30

A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper, so the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in Deep shit."

The Joke of the Day, Monday, August 3, 2009

2009-08-03T07:18:00.004+05:30

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, ‘Hey old man, have you ever danced?’

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, ‘No, I never did dance, — and just never wanted to.’

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, ‘Well, you old fool, you’re gonna’ dance now,’ and started shooting at the old man’s feet. The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow...

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands.The old man said, ‘Son, did you ever kiss a mule’s ass?’

The boy bully swallowed hard and said, ‘No. But I’ve always wanted to.’

There are two lessons for us all here: 1. Don’t waste ammunition. 2. Don’t mess with old people

The Joke of the Day, Tuesday, July 28, 2009

2009-07-28T11:39:00.003+05:30

Santa Singh buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.

Santa says, "I want my 20 lakhs.

The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you one lakh today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 weeks."

Santa Singh said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest during the next 19 weeks.

Santa Singh, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want all my money now! If you're not going to give me my 20 lakhs right now, then I want my 10 rupees back!"

The Joke of the Day, Tuesday, July 28, 2009

2009-07-28T11:36:00.001+05:30

One day Santa was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor building when a man came running in to his office and shouted "Banta Singh your daughter Preeto just died in an accident" Santa was in panic. Not knowing what to do he jumped from his office window.

While coming down when he was near the tenth floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named Preeto.

When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.

When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Banta Singh.

The Joke of the Day, Tuesday, July 28, 2009

2009-07-28T11:34:00.001+05:30

Santa was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he the column SEX. He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote THRICE A WEEK.

On seeing this in his appln. form, he was told that it was wrong and what they wanted it to be filled was either MALE or FEMALE.

Again Santa thought for a long time before coming up with the answer PREFERABLY FEMALES.

The Joke of the Day, Tuesday, July 28, 2009

2009-07-28T11:32:00.001+05:30

Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.

A month later he was back at the dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. 'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'

The Joke of the Day, Tuesday, July 28, 2009

2009-07-28T11:27:00.003+05:30

Santa bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend.

He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening.

But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " What Happened, My Son?"

Santa got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "These car people are crazy! They have five gears for going forward, but only one for coming back!"

The Joke of the Day, Monday. July27, 2009

2009-07-27T12:50:00.002+05:30

Santa Singh was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper. Well, his wife was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about food right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

Santa went back in the house and fixed himself a big meal and tall glass of Lassi.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

The Joke of the Day, Monday, July 27, 2009

2009-07-27T12:23:00.001+05:30

One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him "OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,That's how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.... .?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"

The Joke of the Day, Monday, July 27, 2009

2009-07-27T12:00:00.005+05:30

Santa's first Love letter

Dearest Billo,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 20th of June 2009.
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 20th of June 2009 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Thanking you in anticipation.Yours sincerely
Santa Singh

And promptly came the reply

Dear Santa Singh,

Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance.However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous.I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards.
Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP'. I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a Jaguar is in order.
Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest.
Please also note that my sister is happily employed.

Yours perhaps,

Billo

The Joke of the Day, Monday, July 27, 2009

2009-07-27T09:52:00.001+05:30

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.
Wife - would you like to have some snacks?Husband - hard disk full.
Wife - have you brought the saree.Husband - Bad command or file name.
Wife - but I told you about it in morningHusband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife - oh god! forget it where's your salary.Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife - at least give me your credit card, i can do some shopping.Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.Husband - data type mismatch.
Wife - you are useless.Husband - by default.
Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?Husband - the only user with write permission.
Wife - what is my value in your life?Husband - unknown virus detected.
Wife - do you love me or your computer?Husband - Too many parameters.
Wife - i will go to my dad's house.Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife - I will leave you forever.Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife - it is worthless talking to you.Husband - shut down the computer.
Wife - I am goingHusband - Its now safe to turn off your computer

The Joke Of The Day

2009-07-20T07:32:00.004+05:30

Santa's wife asked him to dry the dishes

and now she is mad at him

Someone please tell him what wrong did he do

The Jokes Of India

2009-07-20T07:26:00.001+05:30

Driving Styles...
One hand on steering wheel,
one hand out of window. - Sydney

*******

One hand on steering wheel,
one hand on horn - Japan

*******

One hand on steering wheel,
one hand on newspaper,
foot solidly on Accelerator... - Boston

*******

Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut,
both feet on brake, quivering in terror - New York

*******

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator,
head turned to talk to someone in back seat - Italy

*******

One hand on horn,One hand on holding gear,
One ear listening to loud music,One ear on cell phone,
One foot on accelerator,One foot on clutch,
Nothing on break,
Eyes on females in next car,"THIS IS INDIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AA"

The Joke Of The Day

2009-07-20T07:19:00.001+05:30

It takes 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that we use to write one exam.

Join us in promoting the noble cause of saving trees.

SAY NO TO EXAMS

The Joke Of The Day

2009-07-20T07:07:00.000+05:30

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

The Joke Of The Day

2009-07-20T06:53:00.003+05:30

Santa finds himself in dire circumstances. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotory."

Lotory night comes and somebody else wins it.

Santa again prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Santa still has no luck.

Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Santa is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Mr Santa, WILL YOU PLEASE BUY A TICKET FIRST!!!"

The Joke of the Day

2009-07-17T11:51:00.001+05:30

Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was Santa, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.

When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?"

The Jewish man answered without hesitation. "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left.

When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the Same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.

Finally Santa arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying,"Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said,"OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When Santa arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview ?".

Santa replied, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.

The Joke of the Day

2009-07-17T11:41:00.002+05:30

Santa died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate god tells him that new rules here in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

Santa thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year. God said, "OK, Ill buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though its not the answer I expected.But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"

Santa replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..." God opens the gate without another word.

The Joke of the Day

2009-07-17T11:35:00.002+05:30

Santa and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New Delhi. The American asks if he would like to play a fun game. Santa, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5,and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."This catches Santa's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Santa doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet,pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the American."Okay," says the American, "your turn".

Santa asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The American, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer & searches all his preferences........no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes up Santa and hands him $500. Santa thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep. The American, who is more than a little miffed, stirs Santa and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, Santa reaches into his purse, hands the american $5, and goes back to sleep.

The Joke Of the Day

2009-07-17T11:27:00.000+05:30

After making a trip of South India , Santa Singh ,his wife and his son were returning to punjab in Tamilnadu Express. Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train.

When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed.

When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand hindi had occupied his son's birth . Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English.

Santa Singh explained , " That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."

The Joke of the Day

2009-07-17T11:17:00.001+05:30

Santa was booked into an Air India flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an aeroplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place.When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, Santa declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don`t charge me for food and drinks!"So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal.

Santa began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher and was curious about the food."Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked.Santa picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!"

Then Santa took out several pieces of chappatis and started feasting."And what is that dish?" asked the curious American."Wheat of India!" replied Santa proudly.

Finally, Santa took out some desserts. He offered some to the American."What is it?" asked the American."Sweets of India!" replied Santa.

After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud fart from Santa."What was that?" asked the American, holding his nose in disgust.Santa replied coolly, "That`s Air India."

The Joke of the Day

2009-07-17T09:43:00.003+05:30

Santa was riding his bike one day when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the lord said, :because you have been faithful to me in all ways I will grant you one wish."

Santa thinks for some time and then says Lord make a bridge from Amritsar to London so that I can ride my bike to london whenever I wish to.

The god said just think of cement, steel it will take to build that kind of bridge and moreover it will be too long a streatch for you to ride why dont you ask me something else

Santa thinks about it and then says Lord I wish that I could understand my wife, what makes her happy, what makes her sad, what makes her scream. I want to know all that so that I can help her in her moodswings

The god thinks for a moment and says, "tell me how many lanes do you want in that bridge Mr Santa. I will make that bridge."

The Joke Of the Day

2009-07-17T09:30:00.003+05:30

Great Cost Cutting Measures for Office
EFFECTIVE JANUARY 1, 2009
NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Love Funny Mails? Join our Group Sweet Jokes!
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternationAnd input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
Share this to all who are employed!

Funny Picture Of The Day

2009-07-16T12:56:00.001+05:30

What if things don't go down easily

The Jokes Of The Day

2009-07-16T12:53:00.002+05:30

When the light changed, a man stepped off the curb and started to cross the street. He had to jump backward when an SUV almost hit him.

The woman inside calmed the nine kids she was transporting from the soccer match, then she asked the man if he was okay.

"Lady!" he yelled. "Don't you know when to stop?"

She yelled back, "Hey! They're not ALL mine!"

The Joke Of The Day

2009-07-16T12:53:00.001+05:30

Teacher to a third grade student: "Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?"

Billy: "It depends."

Teacher: "It depends on what?"

Billy: "It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."

The Joke Of The Day

2009-07-16T12:49:00.001+05:30

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.

As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"

The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

The Joke Of The Day

2009-07-15T07:52:00.001+05:30

Santa phoned his wife: I am not coming home.

The steering, dash board,

gears of car have been stolen.

After sometime he calls again: I am coming,

earlier I sat on the back seat.

The Joke Of The Day

2009-07-15T07:49:00.001+05:30

Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatos 5 days ago,

he hasn't came back yet!

Santa: Why don't u cook something else? .

The Joke Of The Day

2009-07-15T07:47:00.001+05:30

Santa: I have swallowed a Key.

Doctor: When? Santa: 3 months back!

Doctor: What were you doing till now?

Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.

The Joke Of The Day

2009-07-15T07:46:00.000+05:30

How did Santa tried to kill a bird??

He took it to the top of a building and dropped it from there to die.

The Joke Of The Day

2009-07-15T07:44:00.000+05:30

Two days of powercut in Delhi had made life miserable.

Worst affected was Delhi Metro station where families of Santa & Banta were struck for 48 hrs on escalators.

The Joke Of The Day

2009-07-15T07:42:00.002+05:30

Titanic was sinking.

An Englishman asked Santa, "How far is land"?

Santa: 2 KMs.

Englishman jumped into sea.

Englishman: Now, which direction?

Santa: Downwards !

The Joke Of The Day

2009-07-15T07:33:00.003+05:30

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.
They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, 'How was thetrip?'
'It was great, Dad.'
'Did you see how poor people live?' the father asked.
'Oh yeah,' said the son.'So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?' asked the father

The son answered:'I saw that we have one dog and they had four.We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.We buy our food, but they grow theirs.We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.'

The boy's father was speechless.

Then his son added, 'Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are.'

The Joke Of The Day

2009-07-15T07:01:00.001+05:30

Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says, 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.'

His second friend says, 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.'

Santa says, 'I think my wife is also having an affair with a horse.' Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.'

The Joke Of The Day

2009-07-15T06:37:00.000+05:30

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

"Do you realize what time it is?" she asked.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house."

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, Dear?"

He answered, "A round of drinks."

The Joke Of The Day

2009-07-15T06:35:00.001+05:30

Mom's Letter on bathroom door:

Dear Kids,

Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply taking a bath. It will take about thirty minutes and will involve soap and water. Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn't, forcing myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I've got energy for.

(Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects, but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)

Don't panic if I'm not out right on time. I've heard that people don't dissolve in water and I'd like to test the theory. While I'm in the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things. The large slab of wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my voice. I promise that even though you can't see me, I am on the other side. I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border, no matter what I said a while ago. I didn't mean it. Honest. There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your day.

"Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have important things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.

Believe it or not, shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom door will not make the phone stop ringing. The answering machine will take the message. If you feel you need to answer it, take a message. Since Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'll need to write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your brother and the laundry marker. We can't send him to school with telephone number tattoos.

Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between the sound of "nothing" and the sound of a child playing the piano with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your lungs. I'm choosing NOT to answer you.

Don't call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the bathroom. He didn't appreciate it last time. He won't appreciate it more this time. Trust me. No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful. I remember who you are and why you are grounded.

No, you can't go to Shelby 's house to play. No, you can't go to Jayden's house to use the bathroom. If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and a tail, do not think of going outside to "water" the lawn. I know the dog does it. The neighbors don't feel the need to call me when the dog does it.

Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my attention. I know it works in the movies. This is reality, the place where people don't like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken glass rain in on them. Do not set the house on fire.

Call me if there is an emergency. Emergencies ARE:

Dad has fallen off the roof.
Your brother and/or sister is bleeding.
There's a red fire truck in front of our house.

Emergencies ARE NOT:

Dad has fallen asleep.
Someone on TV is bleeding.
There's a red pickup truck in front of our house.

One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper for a towel does not make me happy. It makes me sticky with little white polka dots. In the future, when the tub overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in the house. For my sanity's sake, let's pretend it was the tub, Okay? No, I don't want to hear the real story. Ever. Especially not while I'm standing in the pool of water you missed.

By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled.

Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time. Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table. I'll be out soon.

Maybe.

Love,
Your Mom

The Joke of the Day

2009-07-13T13:00:00.001+05:30

Why the students fail??? It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year ONLY
Has 365' days.

Typical academic year for a student:
1. Sundays-52, Sundays in a year, you know Sundays are for rest. Days left 313.
2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study. Days left 263.
3. 8 hours daily sleep- 130 days GONE. Days left 141.
4. 1 hour for daily playing- (good for health) means 15 days. Days left 126.
5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies (chewing Properly & swallowing)-means 30days. Days left 96.
6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)-means 15 days. Days left 81.
7. Exam days- per year at least 35 days. Days left 46.
8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival (holidays)-40 days.Balance 6 days.
9. For sickness- at least 3 days. Remaining days=3.
10. Movies and functions - at least 2 days. 1 day left.
11. That 1 day is your birthday.
How can you study on that day??????!!!!!!!!!! Balance = 0
"How can a student pass ??"

hy8k2x3vm4

2009-07-06T16:46:00.001+05:30

hy8k2x3vm4

The Joke of The Day

2009-07-06T09:31:00.004+05:30

The Joke of the Day Probably not The Joke of India maybe.

A few questions to ponder upon

Air India and Indian(Indian Airlines) merger; what was the rationale...

Synergy of 2 units merge into one...

Have a bigger fleet...

Have a bigger and unified employee strength...

Now what happened...

Jeddah for example:

Extremely lucrative sector. Any carrier flies into Jeddah fills dirt cheap fuel upto the brim for its onward, return journey.

Jeddah allows only 2 airlines per country. Previously it was Indian Airlines and Air India and now both of them are one. So Jet Airways walks into this sector. Surprising Jet flies with packed house whereas Air India has not been able to declare this sector as lucrative as it could have been. There has been cases in past when people could not manage tickets with the national carrier and still it was not flying 100%

Now who laughs at the joke at whose cost???

Singapore a strange coincidence:

Air India jet is grounded for technical nag. An engineer is flown especially into Singapore and he declares the aircraft unfit for flight. On the other hand Jet flies out of Singapore with full house and Mr Naresh Goyal personally welcomes all the guests when they land in India. Well it could be a coincidence but a little strange.

Who laughs at the joke at whose cost???

London another example:

Air India gets 12 landing slots in London for all its operations. A decent figure by any means that too in London. Air India over last 4 years slowly shifts its European base from London to Frankfurt??? Shifting base from London to Frankfurt!!! a business decesion probably has some economic reason... but leaving London market to private carriers for their operations... sounds fishy.

Strangely now Air India operates 2 flights from and through London and rest has gone to private airlinrs operating out of India.

What a Joke!!!

Funny Videos

2009-06-30T13:15:00.000+05:30

Extremely funny Commercials

Funny Fideo of the day

2009-06-30T13:10:00.000+05:30

New Funny Prank

Funny Video of the day

2009-06-30T13:06:00.000+05:30

Funny Video for you only

Another Funny Video

2009-06-30T13:02:00.000+05:30

Take a look you may find somethings better

Funny Commercial

2009-06-30T12:52:00.000+05:30

Here is a commercial made with sick sense of humour

Very VEry Funny Commercial

2009-06-30T12:42:00.001+05:30

Here is one of the funniest ads fade for Vodafone

Funny Video of the Day

2009-06-30T12:37:00.002+05:30

Here is a wonderfull compilation of funny but real videos for The Jokes of India

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 30, 2008

2008-08-30T10:23:00.000+05:30

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he would like a bottle of Christian Dior for his wife’s birthday.
“A little surprise eh?” said the clerk.
“You bet,” replied the man. “She is expecting a cruise.”

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 30, 2008

2008-08-30T10:13:00.003+05:30

A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit. After the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, "Hello dear, this is meeee..."

She answered. "I just have to know if you're happy there in the after life. What's it like there?"

"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," husband answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."

"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.

"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm back as a buffalo."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 30, 2001

2008-08-30T10:07:00.004+05:30

Santa and Banta have just started their job installing telegraph poles. At the end of the first week they both go to collect their wages and the boss tells Santa that he is dismissed.
"Why?" asks Santa.
"Well," said the boss "Banta has put in 50 poles this week and you have only done 5."
Santa looks rather perplex, and says, “but I have been planting them deeper than Banta.”

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 30, 2008

2008-08-30T09:55:00.001+05:30

The patients in a Mental Health Facility were misbehaving so the man in charged said: “If you behave yourselves, I promise that I will build a swimming pool for you." The man saw that they were not misbehaving anymore so he builds the pool. When the patients saw that the pool was built, they were very happy-- doing all kinds of stunts in the pool, then the man said: If you behave yourselves, I will put water in the pool!"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

2008-08-16T10:23:00.003+05:30

A completely drunk Banta was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Banta asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the officer. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, Banta said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

2008-08-16T10:16:00.005+05:30

Three contractors are bidding for a government tender. First one says. "Well, I figure the job will run about 900,000: 400,000 for materials, 400,000 for my crew and 100,000 profit for me."

The second contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says I can do this job for 700,000: 300,000 for materials, 300,000 for my crew and 100,000 profit for me."

The third contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the State House official and whispers, "2,700,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The third contractor whispers back, "1,000,000 for me, 1,000,000 for you, and we hire the first guy to do the job".

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

2008-08-16T10:14:00.001+05:30

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and said, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

2008-08-16T10:12:00.000+05:30

The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer..
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

2008-08-16T10:10:00.001+05:30

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 16, 2008

2008-08-16T10:05:00.002+05:30

Banta was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife wasreally pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife wokeup, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a boxgift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new weighing machine.

THE JOKE OF THE DAY MONDAY AUGUST 11, 2008

2008-08-11T11:17:00.001+05:30

One day in New York City, a banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets. He parked it and opened the door to get out. Suddenly a taxi went by and ripped the door off. The driver reported this to a nearby police officer. The officer saw the whole thing and said "You bankers are so involved in your possessions. You didn't even notice that your arm was ripped off as well" The banker stared at where his arm used to be and said "OH NO! My new Rolex is gone too!"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY MONDAY AUGUST 11, 2008

2008-08-11T11:14:00.002+05:30

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says, "He's very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pourher a drink. You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich."

That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's Customer Feedback!!!!

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 11, 2008

2008-08-11T10:34:00.001+05:30

Santa and Banta are sitting and drinking beer when out of the blue Santa says, “I think I’m gonn a divorce my wife… she ain’t spoke to me in over a month.”

Banta sips his beer and says, “Better think over, women like that are hard to find.”

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 9, 2008

2008-08-09T11:11:00.000+05:30

There was a rich man who was approached by a poor beggar asking for food.The rich man asked, "Do you smoke? I could give you some cigarettes."The beggar responded, "No, I don't. I am just hungry and want food."Then the rich man asked, "Do you drink? I have a bottle of good whiskey I could give you."The beggar replied, "No, I don't drink. I am just hungry and need food."Finally the rich man asked, "Do you gamble? I could give you some good tips on the races this weekend."The beggar again replied, "No. I am just hungry and want some food."Finally the rich man said, "Well, in that case, I had better take you to my home."He invited the beggar into his car and drove him to his very substantial home. There, he introduced the beggar to his wife, who asked, "What are you going to do with this man? Are you going to invite him to live with us, eat our food, and wear our clothes?"The man replied, "No, of course not. I just wanted to show you what happens to a man who doesn't smoke, drink or gamble."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY, AUGUST 9, 2008

2008-08-09T11:06:00.001+05:30

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 9, 2008

2008-08-09T11:02:00.002+05:30

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"
The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 9, 2008

2008-08-09T10:32:00.002+05:30

Banta had a bit of a drinking problem. Every day, he would spend the entire evening at a local bar and arrived home, drunk, around midnight. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his drunken state. But Banta continued his routine. One day, the wife, distraught by it all, spoke to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of screaming and shouting at him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."
The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, amidnight, when Banta arrived home in his usual condition. This time, instead of shouting her lungs out as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"
At that, Banta replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 9, 2008

2008-08-09T10:26:00.003+05:30

Banta was reading newspaper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Basanti' written on it."
He says, "honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Basanti was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."
She shrugs and walks away. Three days later again when Banta is reading paper when his walks up and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY SATURDAY AUGUST 9, 2008

2008-08-09T10:19:00.003+05:30

Banta man went out for a winter vacation to Mumbai. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, screamed and fell to the floor

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 8, 2008

2008-08-08T17:12:00.000+05:30

A preacher was standing at the pulpit giving his Sunday sermon when a note was passed to him. The only word written on the sheet was IDIOT. Looking up at the congregation, the preacher smiled and said: "I have heard of men who write letters and forget to sign their names but this is the first time I will see a man sign his name and forget to write the letters."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 8, 2008

2008-08-08T17:06:00.003+05:30

Santa and Banta went out for fishing and caught the biggest fish they have ever seen. Banta tells Santa to mark the spot, “We need to remember this spot so we can come back here again.”
Santa pulls a pen out of his pocket and makes a big ‘X’ on the bottom of his boat.
Banta looks at Santa, shaking his head in disgust. “You idiot - what if we bring another boat next time?”

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 8, 2008

2008-08-08T17:01:00.003+05:30

Santa and Banta went out fishing, but they could not manage to catch even a single fish all day. Then, another fisherman passes by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies,” If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, Banta tells Santa "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
Santa dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. salty."
30 minutes later, Banta asks him to check again. "Nope, still salty."
One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," Banta finally says. "We have been rowing for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know," says Santa. "And the bucket is almost empty!"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 8, 2008

2008-08-08T16:56:00.001+05:30

One day Santa came in to work with both of his ears bandaged. When his boss asked him what happened, he explained: "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rangand I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but whatabout the other?"

Santa said, "They called back!"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 8, 2008

2008-08-08T16:46:00.004+05:30

Santa and Banta were studing geology. They went on a field trip studying rock formations in Russia. They arranged for a pilot to fly them into a remote area, to collect some specimens. While they're there, they collect six large rock specimens to take back to the lab, for further analysis.
The pilot returns to pick them up and they start loading everything into the plane. When the pilot sees the rocks, he objects strenuously.
"Those rocks are too heavy," says the pilot, "the plane can only take four, so you have to leave two behind."
Both argue with the pilot, telling him that the year before, they had collected six similarly heavy rocks and the pilot had allowed them to put all of them aboard. This plane is the exact same model and capacity.
Reluctantly, the pilot permits them to put the whole lot onboard. But when they attempt to take off and leave the valley, the little plane can't carry the load. They have to make an emergency landing in the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, Banta asks Santa, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yeah, I think so," replies Santa. "Must be about the same place where we had to make the emergency landing last year!"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 8, 2008

2008-08-08T16:43:00.000+05:30

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are taking a trip across a desert by hot-air balloon. There are not many landmarks; so eventually, they become lost. Luckily, while flying quite low, they see a man.
Holmes shouts, "Sir, could you please tell me where we are?"
The man looks up, ponders for a moment, and then answers, "Gentlemen, you are in a hot-air balloon!"
At this moment, a burst of wind picks up the balloon and carries it away.
Holmes turns to Watson and asks: "My friend, do you know who that man is?"
"No, Holmes, of course not!"
"He's a mathematician!"
"Holmes, that's incredible! But *how* do you know?"
"It's very simple, Watson. First of all, the man thought before giving us an answer. Secondly, his answer was absolutely correct. And thirdly, the answer he gave us was of no practical use, whatsoever!"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 8, 2008

2008-08-08T11:54:00.002+05:30

Santa and Banta, were sitting outside a clinic. Santa happened to be crying very loudly.
"Why are you crying?" Banta asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Santa.
"So? Are you afraid?" said Banta
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."
As Banta heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Santa stopped his tears and asked Banta, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Banta replied, "I came for a urine test!"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY MONDAY AUGUST 4, 2008

2008-08-04T16:31:00.005+05:30

Three couples went to a restaurant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table.
"Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal.
"Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second.
"Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.

THE JOKE OF THE DAY MONDAY AUGUST 4, 2008

2008-08-04T16:26:00.002+05:30

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love" came the voice.

The old man replied, "I thought so... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window... they're choking my ducks!"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY MONDAY AUGUST 4, 2008

2008-08-04T16:22:00.000+05:30

Banta decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys hundred chicken to get up and running. A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died. Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens,

"I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer, "I think I'm planting them too deep."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY MONDAY AUGUST 4, 2008

2008-08-04T16:18:00.001+05:30

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see?"
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars"
"What does that tell you?" enquired Holmes.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful clear day tomorrow. What does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, some one has stolen our tent"

THE CARTOON OF THE DAY MONDAY AUGUST 4, 2008

2008-08-04T16:12:00.003+05:30

Trying a meditation class to meet chicks

This cartoon is published with permission of Ben Hoffman. You can view his full collection at http://benhoffman.wordpress.com/

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 1, 2008

2008-08-01T10:13:00.003+05:30

Banta is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.
The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
Banta says, "I am only following the instructions Answer in brief'".

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 1, 2008

2008-08-01T10:06:00.002+05:30

Banta out on morning walk suddenly stops and starts staring at a banana peel which was resting on the pavement. Santa was passing by and he also stopped and asked Banta what is it.
Sad looking Banta looks up and says, "I will have to slip once again, someone has been careless with banana peel once again."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 1, 2008

2008-08-01T09:50:00.004+05:30

Banta finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask god for help. "Oh god, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Banta again goes back to the god, "oh lord, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Banta still has no luck!!
Back to the god, "my lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light and Banta is confronted by the voice of the lord: "BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST."

THE CARTOON OF THE DAY FRIDAY AUGUST 1, 2008

2008-08-01T09:27:00.005+05:30

This cartoon is published with permission of Ben Hoffman. You can view his full collection at http://benhoffman.wordpress.com/

THE CARTOON OF THE DAY THURSDAY JULY 31, 2008

2008-07-31T11:34:00.003+05:30

That’s John McCain’s economic adviser! Whoaaaaa!!!

This cartoon is courtesy My friend Ben Hoffman. You can view his complete collection at http://benhoffman.wordpress.com/

THE JOKE OF THE DAY THURSDAY JULY 31, 2008

2008-07-31T09:04:00.000+05:30

Once Banta wanted to know the time difference between Amritsar and Las Vegas.So he called up the Tourist department and asked them. “Ji..could you tell me the time difference between Amritsar and Las Begas…”
The man at the other end replies, “One second sir…”
Banta immediately replies “thank you” and puts the phone down.

THE JOKE OF THE DAY THURSDAY JULY 31, 2008

2008-07-31T09:03:00.000+05:30

Santa: "Banta have you been in love?"
Banta: "Yes I have been in love but she is not responding. She keeps on saying I love u. Now I don't know who the hell is this U"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY THURSDAY JULY 31, 2008

2008-07-31T09:01:00.000+05:30

PRINCIPAL: If I see any boy in girls hostel then he will be fined 100 bucks. Next time the boy is caught he has to pay 300 bucks"
Banta: "Can I get a monthly pass. It would be cheaper..."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY THURSDAY JULY 31, 2008

2008-07-31T08:47:00.000+05:30

Santas Girlfriend asks him, "Darling, on our engagement will you give me a RING?"
Santa: "Ya sure, Give me ur telephone No..."

THE JOKE OF THE DAY WEDNESDAY JULY 30, 2008

2008-07-30T08:09:00.003+05:30

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a central minister of this country!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

THE JOKE OF THE DAY WEDNESDAY JULY 30, 2008

2008-07-30T08:06:00.002+05:30

Banta was running with his pregnent wife, who was about to deliver, when an elderly couple asked him, "Why are you running so much with your wife in this condition?"
Banta replied,"we want to reach Pizza hut. They have advertised for a free delivery with every order..."